I refer a lot—here, in my head, in conversations, to Planet I Delivered a Dead Baby. This isn’t original; it’s a take on Planet My Baby Died, which I first heard about here.
Apparently it’s a thing in the pregnancy and infant loss community, a phrase meant to describe the parallel universe you feel you are living in when your child dies, the difficulty you have coping with all the mundane, trivial stuff that makes up normal life and that other people are seemingly consumed with. Oh, your favorite sports team won the game last night? That’s nice. My baby died. You can’t find a good deal on some stupid plastic shit that your kid probably won’t play with after two weeks anymore? Too bad. My baby died. You had to wait in line at the store for 10 minutes? How awful. My baby died.
(Most days on this planet—shit, all days—Facebook can be a living hell.)
I suppose this probably applies to just about anyone who is grieving. Planet My Husband Died. Planet I’m Dying of Cancer. Etc.
I decided to give Planet My Baby Died a new twist, a slightly different name. Partly to be dramatic I suppose, but also as a form of self-punishment. Why? Because it’s 2015, I live in one of the wealthiest states in one of the wealthiest countries in the world, I have a degree, I got good prenatal care, Zack and I have never had any health issues, I have a clean diet and exercise regularly, and still … I Delivered a Dead Baby. I must have fucked up big, and I deserve to be reminded of that.
Angela – my heart is breaking for you. I can never know your grief but please know this was not your fault. I hope the autopsy provides you answers to give you peace. I will be praying it will. I’m so sorry.
Don’t ever think it was something you did.
This is not your fault.
Thanks, you guys. It happened so suddenly and unexpectedly, I don’t know who or what to blame. I certainly can’t blame the baby, so that leaves me – otherwise, I have nowhere to direct my anger 😦
I relate to this post a lot. The isolation of delivering our dead sons, and the sense that it doesn’t happen to ‘people like us.’ Someone at the hospital actually said to me, “this doesn’t happen to your demographic.” Not only was that unhelpful, given that I was in shock, and it was happening, but it just increases my guilt. What did I do wrong that allowed my baby to die, when it doesn’t happen to my ‘demographic’? And now that they think Sidney died of an infection, I feel all the more responsible.