I want my brain back

There are times these days when I barely recognize myself. Before stillbirth, I was a planner, an organizer, a multitasker with a sharp memory and a to do list. After stillbirth, I can often barely focus on one thing at a time, and for mere minutes at that. I’m consumed by thoughts of what happened, enveloped in a mental fog.

Here are some examples.

I walk into the kitchen to make lunch. Somehow I manage to get that started without setting anything on fire The cats are trailing me, meowing. They want to be fed. Suddenly I remember I needed to return a text. I pick up my phone and spend a minute or two typing. I check a comment on Facebook. I look up how long brown rice is supposed to cook for. I put the phone down. The cats are still staring at me and hanging out by their dishes. I have no idea whether I just fed them or not. (You can’t put any stock in what the cats say. I can’t tell you how many times Zack and I have had this conversation: You fed the cats? But I just fed them!) I feel the opened can of cat food in the fridge. It feels cold so I figure it’s been in there for a while, and I feed them—but I have this nagging feeling they just tricked me into feeding them twice.

I’m leaving to drive somewhere and I catch myself getting into the passenger side.

I get my phone and sit down at the table to make some calls. One of the calls requires my credit card. I go over to my purse to get it and read off the number. I finish the call and walk away to do something else. Later I suddenly remember I’m expecting a return phone call about something. I look for my phone on the charger but it’s not there. I stand befuddled in the kitchen for several minutes. I can’t form even a single thought as to where it might be. I walk around the house for a little bit in a state of confusion. Eventually I am able to retrace my steps: I was making phone calls and had it at the table; oh yeah, then I went to my purse. And there it is, in my purse. Why did I put it in my purse?

I miss my brain. I hope someday I get it back.

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4 thoughts on “I want my brain back

  1. Hang in there. I have more problems with my memory than I used to. I have a hard time with my pills. Did I take them or not. It is probably my age. Mind games are suppose to help but they did not seem to. You will get your stuff back. Luke and us will help. Love you Dad.

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  2. Oh Angela, this is heartbreaking to see you going through this. You will get your brain back; fortunately, you have a lot of brain power, so even if you only get 75% back, you’d be sharper than most people I know. If the cats get a little portly … well, they’ll be fat and happy with those extra feedings.

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