Dear Luke

My dear sweet beautiful baby boy,

Mommy is so, so sorry that this happened to you. Many people have told Mommy not to blame herself, but she can’t do that. If you are in a place where there is only love and happiness, and no anger, I know that you forgive me. And so I hope that one day I can forgive myself.

I love you so, so much and I would trade my life for yours in a heartbeat. My sweet Luke, I just want to hold you in my arms again and never let go. To be your mom. No matter why this happened, I think you are so beautiful and so perfect and I am so proud of you. You looked so amazing on the ultrasounds, and you were so active, so strong, always up to something, always saying hi. Whenever Daddy talked to you, you always responded. Wow, you are just such an amazing person.

I’m so sorry I ever wished you were a girl. I didn’t mean it and I hope you know that. I love you just the way you are.

Your dad and sister and I had so many plans for you. We were so excited to meet you and bring you home. Mommy was going to hole up in the bedroom with you and just focus on you. You and I were going to go on some nature walks with other moms and babies. I had some parks picked out where we were going to hang out together. Daddy was going to help everyone, like he always does. Zoe was going to help change your diapers and soothe you when you cried and read to you. She was and is so, so proud to be your big sister. She visits your angel, pours tea for you, and calls you her best friend.

Mommy made some mistakes when Zoe was a baby, but she’d armed herself with knowledge and wasn’t going to repeat them with you. She would have made other mistakes, but she probably would have figured out how to fix them much more quickly.

You have a dresser full of clothes that were waiting for you. Your diapers are set up in the closet, your pictures on the wall, your crib ready to bear you to sleep.

When I envision the place where you are now, full of love and happiness, it’s right by our side. You are hanging out with your big sister and seeing how amazing she is and just loving and admiring her. You are seeing this beautiful place that we are fortunate to live in and you are just surrounded by love.

You must have so many amazing people by your side welcoming you and helping you. I am so glad that you get to meet them.

We are always, always thinking of you. My heart bursts when I think how much I want to hold and love you. I am so, so sorry that this happened. You are my son, and I love you more than anything.

You are beautiful. You are perfect. You are so loved.

I love you forever,

Mommy

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4 thoughts on “Dear Luke

  1. I’m one of those people that have a hard time knowing what to say especially when it comes to this sort of unimaginable pain. I’ve listened to this song (Beauty from Pain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-GPbYcTDbQ) over the years when things have spiraled out of control and it’s brought me peace. I hope it will do the same for you. Sending positive thoughts to you, Luke, Zoe and Zack. –Kristie

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Luke,

    This is Auntie Jessica. I love you and miss you too. I want your mommy to know that she is an amazing mother and never did anything that made her worthy of this pain. Alan, your cousin, was so excited about meeting you and teaching you all about Star Wars, Star Trek, and Doctor Who. Well, let’s be honest, Mommy and Daddy would do that too. Sadie wanted to sniff you and kiss you. I wanted to read you stories and spoil you like an auntie should. Uncle Josh wanted to make you laugh and giggle. I know you are with your mommy, daddy, and sissy and telling them you love them every day. You are my best bud, and forever my nephew.

    Love, Auntie Jess

    Liked by 1 person

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