In no particular order, here are some of the thoughts I’ve been having and things that have been happening the past few weeks.
I basically haven’t been on Facebook for more than two weeks. And I can’t really say that I miss it.
My messages, emails, and texts are a sad reminder of this huge pivot point in my life. Everything before Aug. 21 is filled with mundane exchanges about details that, in the grand scheme of things, are perfectly trivial. I was blissfully unaware of the tragedy that was about to befall me. I both curse the innocence of these exchanges and long for them. Then there were a few messages where things took a horrible turn, and everything after Aug. 21 is filled with phrases like, “I’m so sorry” and “Is there anything I can do?” and sad emoji—weeping faces, blue and broken hearts. When I returned to work and opened my email for the first time, confronting this dichotomy was really painful.
Tragedies like the mass murders in Paris are no longer horrible and sad simply on their own merits. Now they are mixed up in and colored by my feelings about Luke’s death. I keep thinking of the shock and grief that all the victims’ loved ones are experiencing, and that just reminds me of my own shock and grief. Then I feel shitty for making the tragedy in any way about me.
At some point I realized I no longer wear makeup. I know this is connected to Luke’s death in some way, but I’m not sure how.
Newborn boys are everywhere.
When I’m with Zoe, I wonder if other parents look at me, do the math in their head, and ask themselves when I’m going to have another child or why I’m not pregnant yet.
Sometimes I want to shout at every parent I see, “My son was stillborn in August! BE NICE TO YOUR KID AND PUT DOWN THE GODDAMN PHONE!”
I’ve thought about creating a T-shirt on CafePress that says, “I was pregnant for nine months and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” I’m sure some people will find this shocking, but I know other baby loss moms will appreciate the dark humor.